How to Make a FLU VIRUS + Free Recipe Card Included

by Agent131711 | Jan 04, 2025

Next time your mom says, “You need to get a flu vaccine so you don’t get sick this winter!”, tell her you’ll make it at home and send her your free recipe card…

THE THREE VERY SCARY YEARS

In 1938 the first flu vaccine was developed. It was important that we stuck a needle into the arms of our World War II soldiers to keep our overseas heroes safe but, disappointingly, it wasn’t working and doctors were baffled (yes, even back then they were baffled – not nearly as baffled as today, but they were baffled nonetheless). “Why on earth are these vaccinated men getting so sick?!”, they pondered, as they sipped their $20-a-glass scotch (because vaccination campaigns are very lucrative).

Thankfully, in 1940 they found out why pumping our men full of wonder juice didn’t keep them in pristine health. It turned out that the cause of the problem was… … … a new Influenza B virus! *gasp*

In 1941, with overseas soldiers falling ill like never before, Science determined that this flu virus 2.0 had rerouted its trip and was now headed from the overseas warriors straight to the USA. It was horrifying to say the least. Then, before we knew it… [pause for suspense]… … … … they were here! The flu viruses hit the United States and the moment they arrived, before they even checked into their hotels and unpacked their bags, they began infecting people. This meant a new vaccination was needed, not just for the sick soldiers fighting a ~~bankers~~ war, but now for US citizens too. Basically, it was a race against time. To help you understand the severity of the issue, visualize the virus as a banshee that is flying as fast as it can across the United States, dropping its germs as it soars through the skies. Can you get to the clinic and get a needle in your arm before the virus gets you?

The media reported that this virus was unlike any other virus they had seen before because it could, and did, attack innocent children, completely unprovoked. Kids across the nation were tragically suffering and parents felt helpless as their beloved sons and daughters laid in bed with a sore throat, fever and a headache.

As a nation, we collectively wondered if we were going to make it out of this alive. It was clear that something needed to be done to stop this thing, but what? An admirable man named Dr. Jonas Salk knew he was the one for the job. Courageous Dr. Salk rushed to develop a new vaccine; a vaccine designed to slay the just-discovered extra-extra-evil Influenza B virus. But, as you can imagine, making a first of its kind vaccine was no easy feat. You see, in order to make a vaccine, you first have to obtain the virus, but this was no simple task because you can’t just take the virus out of sick people because… well… because you just can’t, but please remind yourself that this is Science and it is not our job to understand it, it is our job to trust it…

HOW TO OBTAIN A VIRUS

Brave Jonas obtained the virus how everyone obtains viruses – by taking “throat washings” from a patient who was sick. “Ok, so they had a sick person spit in a cup?”, you ask. No, of course not, you silly conspiracy theorist! They obtained throat washings, also referred to as garglings, by dripping BHI Infusion Broth into sick peoples noses. Puzzled, you inquire, “What exactly is this so-called infusion broth?”. To which I exclaim, “Exactly what is needed to extract the virus! It’s calf brain, beef heart, lab-made salt, stuff isolated from cow’s milk, you know, stuff like that. Virus extractor stuff.”

The sick person had the broth dropped into their nose where it would drip into their mouth then they would gargle the chemical-calf-brain-cow-heart concoction then spit it into a container. Next, this human-spit-chemical-animal mixture needed to be injected into either mice and chicken eggs or a ferret, take your pick. I guess it just depends on what animals you have on hand that day. You may be wondering why exactly Salk had to inject a ferret (or mice and eggs) when he had the actual throat washings which should contain the virus. The answer is because Science doesn’t work like that, duh.

Next, withdraw a sample from whatever creature you injected and boom! You got yourself some starter virus! Just to make sure we are all on the same page here: Drip beef-heart-calf-brain-chemicals into someone’s nose, tell ‘em to swish and spit, then inject it into an animal, withdraw it = Virus Stage 1. Now here’s the important part:

VIRUS STAGE 2 (according to the flu vaccine inventor aka Science)

Amazing Dr. Salk then gathered “frozen and dried mouse lung tissue” and got the chemical-baby-calf-brain-cow-heart-ferret-injection-and-withdrawal serum back out. He combined the mouse lung and scientific concoction together then injected it into a ferret. To be clear, this is a second ferret ~~because their lab is in the back of a pet store~~ because you never want to use the same ferret twice in a row, it’s bad form. Then he withdrew blood from ferret #2 and injected it into another ferret. This ferret process was repeated nine times in a row, then he withdrew blood from the 9th ferret and injected it into a mouse, withdrew that, injected into another mouse, 10 times in a row. Now this fluid, which is on the verge of turning into a bad virus, is supposed to be made from human-spit-chemicals-baby-calf-brain-cow-heart-ferret-mouse-lung that has been in at least 19 different animals. It was at this time that he knew what had to be done to complete the transformation into a full virus – inject it into a chicken egg embryo, withdraw it, inject another egg, and repeat that process three times in a row. Then he injected that into an alligator – I’m just kidding! That would be ridiculous! This recipe is only ferrets, eggs, mice, beef broth and spit. Since you’re not Bill Nye or Dr. Fauci this might be confusing so I made you a graphic:

You’re welcome. So, after injecting that third embryo, Salk waited 48 hours to see if the virus had made its way to the lungs of the baby chicken inside the egg. You may be wondering how exactly Jonas could tell if the virus infiltrated the lungs of a chicken inside of an egg; simple! Jab a needle into into the embryo’s lung and withdraw some fluid from there. No need to worry about the little chicken giving you a hard time, it’s basically a sitting duck. This is where the super-science kicks in: Next, he put that fluid into a vial and stored it at 4 degrees Celsius (39.2 F) for 20 days – not 19 days or 21 days, it’s gotta be 20 on the nose, so grab yourself a calendar if you plan to make this recipe.

When 20 days had passed, he checked the fluid to make sure it was sterile. To do this Dr. Salk used the beef infusion broth again. Great news! It passed sterility tests! Now it was time for the clinical trials.

JABBING PEOPLE WITH PERSON-SPIT-CHEMICALS-9-FERRETS-10-MICE-3-CHICKEN-EMBRYOS-CALF-BRAIN-BEEF-HEART-FLUID-BROTH-STERILE “VIRUS”

Dr. Jonas Salk, armed with his bad-ass new virus and a vaccine made from the virus, gathered 102 male subjects from a hospital in Michigan who, “for the most part, were able to give adequate descriptions of their symptoms”, he wrote. It would later be discovered that these weren’t your typical hospital patients. These were actually patients in Michigan psychiatric hospitals but Mr. Salk was so focused on saving America that he accidentally left that part out of his paper. Honest mistake.

Because scientific studies need a control group, some of the 102 men were injected with “1 ml of combined Types A and B vaccine” (because two vaccines are better than one, just ask Pfizer) and the rest were given “physiological salt solution containing formalin and the preservative” which was sodium chloride solution combined with Formaldehyde combined with whatever “the preservative” was. The result of this super-duper-scientific study was, “no evidence of influenza A was found” in either group. That was kinda problematic for Salk because those unvaccinated men should have been getting sick. This meant it was time to science a bit more.

Next he hand-selected 45 men from the “vaccinated” group and gave them a second injection of the vaccine (you can never be too safe, you know?). Salk also gathered 57 men who were either unvaccinated or received that cracked-out formaldehyde-preservative-chemical-salt solution. 21 of those 57 dudes were jabbed with the vaccine. So at this point in the study, the good doctor had a fruit basket of different levels of injections:

bros who are on dose #2 of the vaccine
dudes who are on dose #1 of the vax + a dose of formaldehyde solution
homies who had a formaldehyde solution injection but no vaccine
guys who had no injection (yet) but all of which were in an insane asylum and likely medicated with psychological drugs

Then the heroic doctor took that fruit basket of men and exposed them to the “Influenza Type A” virus he isolated using the zoo of animals. I know what you’re thinking, which is, “To expose the men to the virus, they brought sick people in to cough on the healthy people to see if the vaccine worked?”. NO! This is Science, you fool!

How they actually tested the vaccine versus the virus was by aerosolizing the chemical–human-ferrets-mice-chicken-eggs-cow-brain-beef-heart–virus then spraying it directly up the men’s nostrils for four minutes straight.

Result: During 4 months of monitoring these men, no evidence of Influenza Type A was found in any group, not even the unvaccinated-nose-sprayed group. DAMN IT, he thought to himself. Salk sulked as he determined that this must be because the virus simply wasn’t strong enough. (Perhaps not enough ferrets?)

Now what? Since nobody became ill in any group, Salk went back to the vaccinated men and withdrew blood samples to look for antibodies. You again raise your hand to ask a question and this time you say, “By putting the blood under a microscope?”. NO, YOU LUNATIC! They got the chicken embryos and syringes back out.

They continued to perform these experiments and eventually both the vaccinated and unvaccinated came down with slight fevers, headaches and dizziness (it was reported these symptoms went away within 24 hours). With no conclusive data proving the vaccine did anything useful, Dr. Salk decided to base usefulness of the vaccine on how hot a fever was. He published this graph that shows the unvaccinated had fevers that reached 102 degrees whereas the vaccinated fevers were typically 99 to 101 degrees:

So clearly, this vaccine was fantastic! It was so fantastic the media rushed to report on its ability to reduce incidence of disease by 75%:

Which was clearly demonstrated by these 31 unvaccinated men reaching fevers of 100-102 degrees:

THE VACCINE ROLLOUT

With the success of the trials, this new vaccine was ready to go into arms. Right away, acting on the advice of the Commission on Influenza, the Surgeon General gave orders to inoculate every member of the U.S. Army. The leftovers were then funneled to doctors.

A week later the vaccine was available to all of the public. The trick here was to make sure you get the vaccine ten days before you are exposed to anyone with flu.

And within a month, most of the US was saved!

The Army vaccination campaigned proved that jabbed people have a nine-to-one chance of escaping the disease!

But, come fall of 1946, the State Health Director must have realized that vaccinated people were getting sick, so he made an announcement; the new influenza shot shouldn’t be confused for the cold shot which was also available. So, obviously, if you got the flu shot but you didn’t get your cold shot, that explains why you’re sick. Common sense, folks!